Not quite sure where to post this so I guess I'll put it here. Got to get the word out so you folks can prepare your kids.

It is my sad duty to report Santa Claus, aka Kris Kringle, is dead. He died in a tragic aviation accident attempting a landing in a rural area a few miles north of Atmore. AL, at approximately 0538 this morning.

For years, Santa has made a test run with his sleigh on December 23rd. He always drops in on his old friends the Schmidts at the end of his run for a cup of hot cocoa some some of Mrs. Schmidt's most excellent gravy biscuits before he returns to the North Pole. Only this morning something went tragically wrong.

There was an eyewitness, the Schmidt's neighbor Billy Bumpuss, who was up early walking his dog. Bumpuss reports the sleigh veered off its landing pattern and crashed on top on an outbuilding behind the house. He saw a coal of some sort, probably from Santa's ever present pipe, fly into there air and then heard a tremendous explosion. Bumpuss and his dog were nearly overcome by the noxious gasses released and he says there was a brown mushroom shaped cloud over the farm for some minutes.

FAA was on the scene quickly and immediately found the cockpit recorder. They preliminarily report Santa's last words were, "No, Rudolph. I said land on the Schmidt house."

Further updates will be provided as available.

Santa, we're gonna miss ya. And I was a good boy this year. <sniff></sniff>

Tom

Gorish,

Loved your post BTW.

The North Pole HazMat team is now on site attempting to locate remains. They never planned for a disaster this size so have only a few protective suits. If you or anyone has some HazMat suits in sizes Elf 3 to 7 donations would be much appreciated. It would certainly speed things up.

There has been a partial recovery of Rudolph. His head flew down the road a couple of miles and landed in the back yard of Bubba Earl's Beer, Bait and Taxidermy shop. Bubba says he plans to give the head a thorough cleaning, then mount it and auction it on EBay. He plans to put a large red flashing LED where Rudolph's famous nose used to be.

Bubba also the said Lord has blessed him mightily on this one so he will will tithe 10% of the proceeds to his church.

And don't go blaming yourself, good buddy. The cause of the crash was clearly reindeer error.

Tom

Probably a misunderstanding, CG. In a wondrous show of interfaith cooperation, Santa's sleigh will run this year after all.

Hanukkah Harry has agreed to take the reins of the backup sleigh and reindeer team to get the toys to all the Christian children. It’s a big load so he won’t be able to use his usual donkey cart. The four donkeys, Schlomo, Yitzchak, Moshe and Reuven, will get the night off.

Harry and Santa were great friends for years. It all began over twenty years ago when Harry came down with the flu and Santa made a run to deliver dreidels and bags of gelt to all the Jewish children.

Things are going smoothly and Harry is adjusting well. He had a problem with using Santa’s magic elf dust to get the reindeer to fly because he was not sure all the ingredients were kosher. But he tested out the reindeer on the mix of Manischewitz kosher wine and slivovitz he gives to the donkeys and they got high as kites. So all is well and the sleigh will make its run, without Santa sadly.

Harry, you’re a total mensch and we luv ya. God bless and zee gezundt!

Tom

Yes, everybody got their stuff this year. It took a major effort by the North Pole members of Local 100, International Brotherhood of Elves, Gnomes and Fairies. Get them a major shout out!

Hanukkah Harry made the run this year. He is also a pretty big guy so, to avoid confusing the children, he dressed in the traditional red velour flight suit and big black boots.

The late Rudolph's son, Elwood the Red Nosed Reindeer, stepped up to the plate and did a magnificent job. He found every little kid all over the world and there were no toy mix-ups. (Quite an accomplishment with two tots of slivovitz on board.)

Santa's Alabama cousin, Beauregard P. "Bodacious Beau" Kringle, has agreed to permanently take over duties starting next Christmas. He has begun training but should learn quickly since he has spent ten years doing residential deliveries for UPS. Beau says the new job should work well since he will be able to drive slower than he had to for UPS. (He got the name from his pro wrestling days.)

Elves of Local 100 actually own the North Pole reindeer herd. They got title soon after they unionized in 1952 in settlement of a wage and hour complaint.

Their shop steward, Gnardo the Elf, said the Local has sued Bubba Earl to block the sale of Rudolph's head on EBay and have all remains returned to the rightful owners. A brief but dignified service is planned with cremation of the remaining parts followed by scattering Rudolph's ashes over the toy factory he loved so much. This will be a private ceremony: immediate family, reindeer and elves only.

Bubba Earl got what was coming to him. After he heard about the lawsuit, he was caught trying take his quarters back out of Little Clem's collection jar. He is currently sitting in county jail. His crime was so heinous he can't find anyone to go his bail.

So thus ends the story of Christmas 2011, victory snatched from the jaws of tragedy. Many thanks to Harry and Elwood and a hearty ho, ho, ho to cousin Beau Kringle. Beau will continue to use the professional name Santa Claus since the original Santa incorporated years back and the name is property of the corporation.

And, yes, Santa Harry remembered me also. Got a nice shirt and a fifth of Single Barrel Jack.

Finally, do not leave glasses of milk for the new Santa. He prefers Miller Light.

Tom