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Tool Definitions - 4/16/2008 11:17:34 AM   
krossk



Posts: 1208
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Port Washington, WI, USA
Status: online 		Definitions from the full scale workshop, but easily scaled down to the modeler''s workshop...

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''Oh sh....''


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.


SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.


WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.


TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT- FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off

in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.


BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that mor e easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you
forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin o i l cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws.


PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the mo st expensive parts adjacent to the
object we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC''S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use.


DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.



       Post #: 1

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/16/2008 1:37:43 PM   
outdoorhunting


 

Posts: 380
Joined: 9/22/2006
From: Kokomo, IN, USA
Status: online 		Great lines Super Funniest I''ve heard in awhile !!!!!!! I needed a good laugh.. Thanks

(in reply to krossk)
       Post #: 2

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/17/2008 5:51:09 PM   
victorzamora


 

Posts: 495
Joined: 10/16/2006
From: Mt. Airy, NC, USA
Status: offline 		I glanced at it, wondering why it was in the Humor section. I then fully read the Flathead screwdriver, and continued to wonder why it was where it was at

(in reply to outdoorhunting)
       Post #: 3

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/17/2008 9:11:10 PM   
125cchyperman


 

Posts: 2581
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: Manheim , PA, USA
Status: offline 		E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off

Thats probably the best deffination of an E-Z out that I have ever heard of. After working in the machine shop for a little, taps to creat the threads for a hole are also the same exact way. There awesome when they work right.




DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.

And me having to work on a racecar outside of this rc hobby this tool is very effective at times. But usually extremely hard to find after using it once, making it a tool that you dont want to use a whole lot.

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Go eat a grape there cowboy

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       Post #: 4

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/17/2008 9:24:26 PM   
reincarnate



Posts: 763
Joined: 10/1/2006
From: Columbia City, IN, USA
Status: online 		Those are some the best lines to hit the humor thread in ages. Thanks for the material!! My office wall needed some fresh decoration.

_____________________________

Are the wheels supposed to fall off when you land? No? How about the engine?

(in reply to 125cchyperman)
       Post #: 5

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/17/2008 9:31:19 PM   
reincarnate



Posts: 763
Joined: 10/1/2006
From: Columbia City, IN, USA
Status: online 		I had to come back and read it again. This time I almost had tears. Good stuff. Darn good stuff.

_____________________________

Are the wheels supposed to fall off when you land? No? How about the engine?

(in reply to reincarnate)
       Post #: 6

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/19/2008 5:24:53 AM   
General Lee Stupid



Posts: 59
Joined: 7/16/2007
From: Whitehall, MT, USA
Status: offline 		HAH, very funny, and most of all very true!!

(in reply to reincarnate)
       Post #: 7

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/23/2008 6:13:56 PM   
burningpoo



Posts: 591
Joined: 5/4/2007
From: easton, PA, USA
Status: offline 		Great list, the pry bar one gave me junk yard and roofing flash backs

_____________________________

Taking unbroken toys aparts since 1981

(in reply to General Lee Stupid)
       Post #: 8

RE: Tool Definitions - 4/26/2008 2:06:42 AM   
zjwhitrock



Posts: 756
Joined: 1/22/2007
From: baraboo, WI, USA
Status: online
quote:

DAMMIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.



it realy sucks when that tool is a hobby knife

_____________________________

speed calc www.scriptasylum.com/rc_speed/_top_speed
hyper 7 PBS, RC10B4, evader

(in reply to burningpoo)
       Post #: 9

RE: Tool Definitions - 5/3/2008 4:55:27 AM   
MetallicaJunkie



Posts: 821
Joined: 9/17/2006
From: donna, TX, USA
Status: offline 		that was some great stuff there krossk, i can relate to most of it....lol hard earned calluses

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Revver Bro #217

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       Post #: 10

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