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Voters: 17. You may not vote on this poll
What do you think of my writing?
02-13-2008, 07:48 PM
#1
Senior Member
Thread Starter
What do you think of my writing?
Butterflies in my tummy.
She looks so yummy.
I know her scent, even from a mile away.
I still get nervous.
Make up words like quervous.
And this is all from seeing her face.
I really wanna rap.
But she makes me wanna sing.
Accomplished-I think I won a race.
Still so confused.
Does she want this dude?
Her beauty is delicate, like a million dollar vase.
I'm going to end this poem sweet.
I think its pretty neat.
She's my heart, I'd even kiss her feet.
I wrote this today when I got home. No real meaning behind it, I just felt like it. Didn't revise it at all.
She looks so yummy.
I know her scent, even from a mile away.
I still get nervous.
Make up words like quervous.
And this is all from seeing her face.
I really wanna rap.
But she makes me wanna sing.
Accomplished-I think I won a race.
Still so confused.
Does she want this dude?
Her beauty is delicate, like a million dollar vase.
I'm going to end this poem sweet.
I think its pretty neat.
She's my heart, I'd even kiss her feet.
I wrote this today when I got home. No real meaning behind it, I just felt like it. Didn't revise it at all.
02-13-2008, 10:34 PM
#6
My Feedback: (1)
RE: What do you think of my writing?
ORIGINAL: annie_himself
Butterflies in my tummy.
She looks so yummy.
I know her scent, even from a mile away.
I still get nervous.
Make up words like quervous.
And this is all from seeing her face.
I really wanna rap.
But she makes me wanna sing.
Accomplished-I think I won a race.
Still so confused.
Does she want this dude?
Her beauty is delicate, like a million dollar vase.
I'm going to end this poem sweet.
I think its pretty neat.
She's my heart, I'd even kiss her feet.
I wrote this today when I got home. No real meaning behind it, I just felt like it. Didn't revise it at all.
Butterflies in my tummy.
She looks so yummy.
I know her scent, even from a mile away.
I still get nervous.
Make up words like quervous.
And this is all from seeing her face.
I really wanna rap.
But she makes me wanna sing.
Accomplished-I think I won a race.
Still so confused.
Does she want this dude?
Her beauty is delicate, like a million dollar vase.
I'm going to end this poem sweet.
I think its pretty neat.
She's my heart, I'd even kiss her feet.
I wrote this today when I got home. No real meaning behind it, I just felt like it. Didn't revise it at all.
Bug guts in my tummy,
Not terribly yummy.
Her scent? I can smell her a mile away
Been drinkin' Cuervos
To keep from getting Ner-vous
And this drinkin' comes from lookin' at her face
I really need to *rap
And I want to take a nap
Get Out! I need my space......
I'll end this parody fast
Besides, it wouldn't last,
She's my babe, but I wouldn't kiss her ***
Sorry, couldn't resist
Good poem (yours) I like the rhythm
02-13-2008, 10:36 PM
#7
Senior Member
Thread Starter
RE: What do you think of my writing?
I think your is better! Hilarious, sounds like a story to tell when drinking.
I tried to keep the rhyme scheme consistent but oh well.
I tried to keep the rhyme scheme consistent but oh well.
02-14-2008, 07:08 AM
#8
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Kingston UK, but living in Athens, GREECE
Posts: 18,082
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RE: What do you think of my writing?
Funny you should bring this up on valentine's day. It's the only time of year I ever write poetry. My English tutors used to make me write poems for the school paper, and some say I have talent (though unrefined). This took me a couple of hours to come up with this morning (and is not the complete poem, some of it is personal).
Your poem's ok, but needs work. the most important thing with writing, is reading. Only by reading can you expand your vocabulary, and only by expanding your vocabulary, can you become a better writer. Anyway, I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I have the right to criticise, here's my valentine effort for my GF...
On this day of valentine, I'm proud to say that you are mine
And all the things that we have shared
Mean everything, with nothing spared.
Through all the years I've known, with you I've only grown,
Without you I'd be lost, and fade like winter frost.
Although I find it hard to show, I want for you to know...
That I am yours, with all my flaws,
My heart is yours to break
And though I seem as hard as stone,
My spirit's yours to take
Til final day of parting, my heart to you's imparting,
That you're the one, my shining sun, my love, my soul, my dove.
Your poem's ok, but needs work. the most important thing with writing, is reading. Only by reading can you expand your vocabulary, and only by expanding your vocabulary, can you become a better writer. Anyway, I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I have the right to criticise, here's my valentine effort for my GF...
On this day of valentine, I'm proud to say that you are mine
And all the things that we have shared
Mean everything, with nothing spared.
Through all the years I've known, with you I've only grown,
Without you I'd be lost, and fade like winter frost.
Although I find it hard to show, I want for you to know...
That I am yours, with all my flaws,
My heart is yours to break
And though I seem as hard as stone,
My spirit's yours to take
Til final day of parting, my heart to you's imparting,
That you're the one, my shining sun, my love, my soul, my dove.
02-14-2008, 08:50 AM
#10
Senior Member
Thread Starter
RE: What do you think of my writing?
ORIGINAL: Nathan9492
sounds like something lupe fiasco would rap about.
Killer
sounds like something lupe fiasco would rap about.
Killer
ORIGINAL: Foxy
Funny you should bring this up on valentine's day. It's the only time of year I ever write poetry. My English tutors used to make me write poems for the school paper, and some say I have talent (though unrefined). This took me a couple of hours to come up with this morning (and is not the complete poem, some of it is personal).
Your poem's ok, but needs work. the most important thing with writing, is reading. Only by reading can you expand your vocabulary, and only by expanding your vocabulary, can you become a better writer. Anyway, I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I have the right to criticise, here's my valentine effort for my GF...
On this day of valentine, I'm proud to say that you are mine
And all the things that we have shared
Mean everything, with nothing spared.
Through all the years I've known, with you I've only grown,
Without you I'd be lost, and fade like winter frost.
Although I find it hard to show, I want for you to know...
That I am yours, with all my flaws,
My heart is yours to break
And though I seem as hard as stone,
My spirit's yours to take
Til final day of parting, my heart to you's imparting,
That you're the one, my shining sun, my love, my soul, my dove.
Funny you should bring this up on valentine's day. It's the only time of year I ever write poetry. My English tutors used to make me write poems for the school paper, and some say I have talent (though unrefined). This took me a couple of hours to come up with this morning (and is not the complete poem, some of it is personal).
Your poem's ok, but needs work. the most important thing with writing, is reading. Only by reading can you expand your vocabulary, and only by expanding your vocabulary, can you become a better writer. Anyway, I guess you can be the judge of whether or not I have the right to criticise, here's my valentine effort for my GF...
On this day of valentine, I'm proud to say that you are mine
And all the things that we have shared
Mean everything, with nothing spared.
Through all the years I've known, with you I've only grown,
Without you I'd be lost, and fade like winter frost.
Although I find it hard to show, I want for you to know...
That I am yours, with all my flaws,
My heart is yours to break
And though I seem as hard as stone,
My spirit's yours to take
Til final day of parting, my heart to you's imparting,
That you're the one, my shining sun, my love, my soul, my dove.
I also have another poem I wrote, I may put it up later but its a bit personal.
02-14-2008, 09:36 AM
#11
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Kingston UK, but living in Athens, GREECE
Posts: 18,082
Likes: 0
Received 3 Likes
on
3 Posts
RE: What do you think of my writing?
Thanks, the way I would read it, it does follow the rhyming scheme. And by the way making the rhyming scheme of a poem completely uniform, makes it sound flat. 
02-14-2008, 04:27 PM
#12
Senior Member
Thread Starter
RE: What do you think of my writing?
ORIGINAL: Foxy
Thanks, the way I would read it, it does follow the rhyming scheme. And by the way making the rhyming scheme of a poem completely uniform, makes it sound flat.
Thanks, the way I would read it, it does follow the rhyming scheme. And by the way making the rhyming scheme of a poem completely uniform, makes it sound flat.
02-14-2008, 09:44 PM
#13
RE: What do you think of my writing?
Bug guts in my tummy,
Not terribly yummy.
Her scent? I can smell her a mile away
Been drinkin' Cuervos
To keep from getting Ner-vous
And this drinkin' comes from lookin' at her face
I really need to *rap
And I want to take a nap
Get Out! I need my space......
I'll end this parody fast
Besides, it wouldn't last,
She's my babe, but I wouldn't kiss her ***
Not terribly yummy.
Her scent? I can smell her a mile away
Been drinkin' Cuervos
To keep from getting Ner-vous
And this drinkin' comes from lookin' at her face
I really need to *rap
And I want to take a nap
Get Out! I need my space......
I'll end this parody fast
Besides, it wouldn't last,
She's my babe, but I wouldn't kiss her ***
02-14-2008, 10:18 PM
#14
Senior Member
Thread Starter
RE: What do you think of my writing?
ORIGINAL: So Cal Nitro Basher
YEAH WHOOO! Now that is a poem, i hate poetry, but that, is something i would read in front of a crowd.
Bug guts in my tummy,
Not terribly yummy.
Her scent? I can smell her a mile away
Been drinkin' Cuervos
To keep from getting Ner-vous
And this drinkin' comes from lookin' at her face
I really need to *rap
And I want to take a nap
Get Out! I need my space......
I'll end this parody fast
Besides, it wouldn't last,
She's my babe, but I wouldn't kiss her ***
Not terribly yummy.
Her scent? I can smell her a mile away
Been drinkin' Cuervos
To keep from getting Ner-vous
And this drinkin' comes from lookin' at her face
I really need to *rap
And I want to take a nap
Get Out! I need my space......
I'll end this parody fast
Besides, it wouldn't last,
She's my babe, but I wouldn't kiss her ***
