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  1. #1
    Jetdesign's Avatar
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    when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    I have to make the decision due to that infamous ticking clock. I'm obviously somewhat on the fence: family life sounds nice, the love of my own child which I'm sure I can't fully understand, and fulfilling the sole desire of a great woman...

    But, I'm a late Bloomer. Mid 30's, less than 1 year in a career I thought is could only have dreamed of, engulfed in my hobbies (rc, close to full scale aviation, motorcycle, and others), and also 2 degrees worth of loans, and a single income household to boot

    My main concern is finances. I also am ready to live an easy and fun life on a decent salary, and I really appreciate my independence which I'm already sacrificing (but don't mind at this level) to be in this relationship. The timeline is 2 years before things need to happen, but need to know now to be fair to my partner.

    Thanks for listening and any thoughts you care to share
    Joe Marri
    Enjoying all things aviation.

  2. #2
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children?

    Well, you can figure that you won't have time or money for anything else for the next 3 years.

    My advice, RUN!
    Mike B. AMA# 42400 www.gettingairborne.com
    Ultra Sport Brotherhood #2 - Waco Brother #188 - Cub Brother #2

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  3. #3
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?


    ORIGINAL: gaRCfield

    I have to make the decision due to that infamous ticking clock. I'm obviously somewhat on the fence: family life sounds nice, the love of my own child which I'm sure I can't fully understand, and fulfilling the sole desire of a great woman...

    But, I'm a late Bloomer. Mid 30's, less than 1 year in a career I thought is could only have dreamed of, engulfed in my hobbies (rc, close to full scale aviation, motorcycle, and others), and also 2 degrees worth of loans, and a single income household to boot

    My main concern is finances. I also am ready to live an easy and fun life on a decent salary, and I really appreciate my independence which I'm already sacrificing (but don't mind at this level) to be in this relationship. The timeline is 2 years before things need to happen, but need to know now to be fair to my partner.

    Thanks for listening and any thoughts you care to share
    If you're married, it would have been good to establish mutual desires for children (or the lack thereof) beforehand. And, if that's the case, it sounds like your wife assumed you both wanted the parenthood path.

    If you're not married yet, it sounds to me like you're wondering whether to obiligate yourself - and that's not wholehearted committment to parenthood.

    So it kind of depends, eh? My old friend, 3 years into marriage, discovered he wanted children, and his wife wasn't on board. They parted amicably on that note, and he now has kids with wife 2.0. Other friends are totally into the parenting thing. I'm not, and I know others who aren't. I'm glad I'm not faced with a decision like you are. Good luck,
    Dave Olson
    The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him GKChesterton

  4. #4
    Jetdesign's Avatar
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    So just to add, I'm not married yet. Were 2 years into our relationship, just under 1 year living together. She moved out here with me after having this conversation, and under the agreement that I was open to the idea of children, not committed but not against.

    3 years of sacrifice is nothing - what about the next 18 years and college?
    Joe Marri
    Enjoying all things aviation.

  5. #5
    tommygun32's Avatar
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    It's not just the next 18 years, it's the rest of your life GA.

    Now to your original question, "when/how did I know I wanted children or not".

    I was on a nice and wild ride with absolutely NO intention of getting married, let alone having kids. Traveling all over the US, Europe, North Africa and the Middle East, I was on a world tour as a night club DJ. That lifestyle comes with absolutely NO commitment other than to the job. I literally would tell the girls I'd meet and get together with that if that phone rang (and it always would) I would pack my bags and go....and no, they could not come with me.

    Did that for many years. Life took me to Dubai where I decided to stick around for a bit. Randomly one day walked into an office where I laid eyes on a girl sat behind the reception desk. And I kid you not, it was like I got hit with a thunderbolt. I knew right then and there that that was the girl I was going to marry. Up to that point I had absolutely no intention of EVER getting married. Didn't know her name, nothing about her, and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt, because at that moment I was with my then girlfriend and I didn't feel like getting slapped.

    Fast forward a year after our first date, I proposed. We got married about 8 months later. Two years after that, we were sat at a Benihana's having dinner, the question had come up a couple times about kids, and it was at that moment, out of the blue for her, I turned to my wife and said, "lets do it, let's have kids."

    We were not financially secure or stable. We had NO idea where life would take us. Was it easy, NO. There's a whole load of **** you (both of you) go through, especially once kids get thrown into the equation. Having said that, the night before we got married, I spent about 2 hours in front of the mirror looking myself in the eyes, asking and totally honestly answering questions. I then went to my 'fiance' and had another two hour long chat. I barred all, totally came clean with my past (skeletons in the closet and all), my present and what I thought of the future. Told her to never try to change me, change comes from within when one is ready. A person will never change if being forced to, it comes from within. She still wanted to get married.

    Anyway, we're into our 15 year of marriage, two kids (boy & girl 12 & 10).

    I am a child of 2 divorces. My slant on marriage is this, 'Marriage is for LIFE!'. Marriage is not a McDonald's drive through. Marriage is not perfect, it takes work, from both sides. It takes give and take, it takes understanding, it takes compromise, it takes open and honest communication, and most important, you both need to LISTEN.

    Hobbies come and go....you can always get off and back on that ride. Motorcycles, cars, bikes, RC, fishing, stamp collecting, cooking, flying, etc....they will always be there, whether you are part of them or not.

    I've found that the money sorts itself out. I do what I need to do to meet my responsibilities.
    The rest of your life starts now. Go Live It!

    Team Terribles

  6. #6
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    Dude, it's a total life changing commitment, your focus just changes to the kids 90% of the time, you personal free time as you know it will be much less. That's the biggest change

    But it's not like you'll never have time for you hobbies, and as they grow you can include them into your hobby world too. I have a 15 and 17 y/o and I still do my hobbies and my dirt-biking with and without them, I just turned 50 and don't or ever did plan on giving up either..
    You're so smart,, you figured out how to read this!! Or maybe ya just got lucky??

  7. #7
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    +1 (short, sweet and concise) (sorry, i tend to waffle a bit in posts )

    ORIGINAL: scale only 4 me

    Dude, it's a total life changing commitment, your focus just changes to the kids 90% of the time, you personal free time as you know it will be much less. That's the biggest change

    But it's not like you'll never have time for you hobbies, and as they grow you can include them into your hobby world too. I have a 15 and 17 y/o and I still do my hobbies and my dirt-biking with and without them, I just turned 50 and don't or ever did plan on giving up either..
    The rest of your life starts now. Go Live It!

    Team Terribles

  8. #8
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    You only live once.

    What do you want your legacy as a man to be and how do you want to view your life when it is almost over...?
    WHO GUNNA FEED MAW KEEEIDS..???

  9. #9
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    First check if your GF would make a great mother. I do not have children because I never fell in love with woman that would make a good parent. period. They had other qualities but not that one.
    Remember: Speed is life!

  10. #10
    tommygun32's Avatar
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    Oh yah, one more thing. I am not 50% and she is not 50% equaling 100% when together.

    We are both 100%!! Before we get together.

    We don't complete each other, we augment/compliment each other.

    We both have our own friends, our own interests, our own hobbies, likes and dislikes. We give each other the time (and trust) to enjoy that. When we're together (95% of the time outside of work) it's the icing on the cake.........when all the planets and stars line up perfectly....
    The rest of your life starts now. Go Live It!

    Team Terribles

  11. #11

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    As tommygun said, hobbies come and go. They're the seasoning to your life, not the meal. You can still enjoy your hobby with kids, just at a different level.
    Don't be fooled into thinking that you can't have a lot of fun at a reduced level of involvement and then step it up when life's real demands ease up a little. I wanted to fly in pattern contests in my mid 20's but work, family and finances made that impossible. Now I'm 61, retired, getting ready for my fourth season of pattern and having the time of my life. The daugher I set pattern aside for all those years ago is an engineer now, and I think having her involved in my hobby helped her see that girls could be engineers too...that was still a little unusual when she decided to do that. She's just a little younger than you, by the way.

    The clock ticks for all of us, but it runs out on some things sooner than others.

    Scott

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    You are in the wrong forum net if your looking for advice on family matters.

    Regards,
    Roby

  13. #13
    Jetdesign's Avatar
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?


    ORIGINAL: Roby

    You are in the wrong forum net if your looking for advice on family matters.

    Regards,
    Roby
    Bahamas, right... Talking to a bunch of seasoned men with relevant experience and similar interests... Maybe I should find a forum full of baby crazy parents, or that anti-children site I came across...

    I think there's some good stuff here, keep it coming
    Joe Marri
    Enjoying all things aviation.

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    I think the topic fits the forum just fine. It's the sort of stuff you talk about with your flying buddies on windy days at the field.

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    We didn't plan on having children, " I was just poking fun at her and she took me seriously"....

    \"I ran out of ideas and altitude at the same time...\"

    \"The Beatings will continue until Morale Improves..!!!\"

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?



    Been married 48 yrs to my high-school sweetheart.we were marriedAug 31, our daughter was born April 5 the next yr. Please don't start counting months.We have 2 kids & they'reTHE most important thing to us in the world & They just complete OUR lives.My point is, if you think you need to wait until you're financailyready, not until the stars are in alignment, or say "we'll do it right after the vacation we've been promising ourselves". Then you are NOT ready for kids. If you feel you you are sacrificing your "independence" now. Then you are NOT ready to have kids !!!!!! As a matter of fact if you feel that way about " sacrifing your " independence" do your wife a favor & just bow-out of the relationship. You'll be doing both of you a big favor !!!!! There is NOsuch thing as each being 100% if each is 50%, that will work. If you guys have to be the 100% each, in the long run,- it ain't gonna work. my 2cents

    Too much horsepower- Just right !!!

  17. #17
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    I am almost 40, have two boys 8 and 4 and I think I always wanted kids, or at least never really thought about not having kids. It is a good question. As people say, money works out, kids like most everything can be almost as cheap or as expensive as you want. You will have less time at least for the first few years, but it is very nice to enjoy time with your kids. I LOVE spending time on Christmas morning building lego's with my older boy, and my younger boy was just trying to fly the plane on the flight sim. The other thing that you should think about is your life in 15-20 or more years, I really think my parents LOVE spending some time with my kids. I have many family members that don't have kids, and in many ways their life is easier but I personally think they are missing someone that really cares about them. It is not an easy question, I guess the better question is if I regret having kids, NO I don't, but would a person without kids say the same thing? Probably.

    A few more rambles, do you enjoy teaching people stuff? If you enjoy having people learn stuff and watch them figure stuff out, then kids are great, they love to learn, and it is a wonderful feeling to know that you helped shape their life and their interest.

    Good luck.

    Jon
    Tiger 2 brotherhood #14
    The Common flyer, best of the lousiest, and lousiest of the best.

  18. #18

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?


    ORIGINAL: tommygun32

    It's not just the next 18 years, it's the rest of your life GA.

    Now to your original question, ''when/how did I know I wanted children or not''.

    I was on a nice and wild ride with absolutely NO intention of getting married, let alone having kids. Traveling all over the US, Europe, North Africa and the Middle East, I was on a world tour as a night club DJ. That lifestyle comes with absolutely NO commitment other than to the job. I literally would tell the girls I'd meet and get together with that if that phone rang (and it always would) I would pack my bags and go....and no, they could not come with me.

    Did that for many years. Life took me to Dubai where I decided to stick around for a bit. Randomly one day walked into an office where I laid eyes on a girl sat behind the reception desk. And I kid you not, it was like I got hit with a thunderbolt. I knew right then and there that that was the girl I was going to marry. Up to that point I had absolutely no intention of EVER getting married. Didn't know her name, nothing about her, and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt, because at that moment I was with my then girlfriend and I didn't feel like getting slapped.

    Fast forward a year after our first date, I proposed. We got married about 8 months later. Two years after that, we were sat at a Benihana's having dinner, the question had come up a couple times about kids, and it was at that moment, out of the blue for her, I turned to my wife and said, ''lets do it, let's have kids.''

    We were not financially secure or stable. We had NO idea where life would take us. Was it easy, NO. There's a whole load of **** you (both of you) go through, especially once kids get thrown into the equation. Having said that, the night before we got married, I spent about 2 hours in front of the mirror looking myself in the eyes, asking and totally honestly answering questions. I then went to my 'fiance' and had another two hour long chat. I barred all, totally came clean with my past (skeletons in the closet and all), my present and what I thought of the future. Told her to never try to change me, change comes from within when one is ready. A person will never change if being forced to, it comes from within. She still wanted to get married.

    Anyway, we're into our 15 year of marriage, two kids (boy & girl 12 & 10).

    I am a child of 2 divorces. My slant on marriage is this, 'Marriage is for LIFE!'. Marriage is not a McDonald's drive through. Marriage is not perfect, it takes work, from both sides. It takes give and take, it takes understanding, it takes compromise, it takes open and honest communication, and most important, you both need to LISTEN.

    Hobbies come and go....you can always get off and back on that ride. Motorcycles, cars, bikes, RC, fishing, stamp collecting, cooking, flying, etc....they will always be there, whether you are part of them or not.

    I've found that the money sorts itself out. I do what I need to do to meet my responsibilities.
    Thanks for the great advice tommygun,

    I've been on RC-U for years, worrying about servos, turbines.... etc, yet this is the first time that I've felt the need to reply to a post!
    Obviously there must be substance in what you are saying.

    Mike

  19. #19

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    gaRCfield,

    While you may think you are in a stable marriage, most of the time you are not. So, remember this advise. Once she gets pregnant and has a baby, you will find yourself divorced. Something happens to women after they have a baby. Then, they blame you for everything. Nothing you can do will change that.

    Their hormones change and they suddenly want a different life ... without you.

    I think about 80% of marriages fall apart after the birth of a baby.
    Sincerity ... Once you are able to fake that, there will be no stopping you.


  20. #20
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    Before anyone has children it's a good idea to have one's priorities in order. First off, it's probably a good idea to be commited to a lifetime with the other parent. Single parenting is tough on the single parent and worse on the kids, no matter what the "experts" say. Marriage is probably the best indicator of commitment level to the other prospective parent. As Tommygun said, if you're not ready to REALL commit to a lifetime, no matter what, the subject of introducing kids to the mix shouldn't even be brought up. I'm just old school that way.

    We didn't plan our first; he just happened in out third year of marriage. Our priorities changed yet my wife and I were able to maintain our individual qualities(and deficiencies) while devoting quality and great quantities of time and resources to him. The next three were planned. Wouldn't trade the world for any of them. They have required enormous amounts of time and consideration and have helped me to grow in ways I could never have imagined. The satisfaction is unequalled. The finances seemed to work themselves out as well oas the available time for the kids....it's all a factor of regarding their needs before your own wants.

    If you're ready to put yourself after someone you love then you're probably well on your way to being a good parent.
    "The American taxpayer has always been politicaly deceived. It's their Birthright!"
    Lord Mountjoy, 'The Mouse on the Moon'

  21. #21
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?


    ORIGINAL: turbomike


    ORIGINAL: tommygun32

    It's not just the next 18 years, it's the rest of your life GA.

    Now to your original question, ''when/how did I know I wanted children or not''.

    I was on a nice and wild ride with absolutely NO intention of getting married, let alone having kids. Traveling all over the US, Europe, North Africa and the Middle East, I was on a world tour as a night club DJ. That lifestyle comes with absolutely NO commitment other than to the job. I literally would tell the girls I'd meet and get together with that if that phone rang (and it always would) I would pack my bags and go....and no, they could not come with me.

    Did that for many years. Life took me to Dubai where I decided to stick around for a bit. Randomly one day walked into an office where I laid eyes on a girl sat behind the reception desk. And I kid you not, it was like I got hit with a thunderbolt. I knew right then and there that that was the girl I was going to marry. Up to that point I had absolutely no intention of EVER getting married. Didn't know her name, nothing about her, and I couldn't tell anyone how I felt, because at that moment I was with my then girlfriend and I didn't feel like getting slapped.

    Fast forward a year after our first date, I proposed. We got married about 8 months later. Two years after that, we were sat at a Benihana's having dinner, the question had come up a couple times about kids, and it was at that moment, out of the blue for her, I turned to my wife and said, ''lets do it, let's have kids.''

    We were not financially secure or stable. We had NO idea where life would take us. Was it easy, NO. There's a whole load of **** you (both of you) go through, especially once kids get thrown into the equation. Having said that, the night before we got married, I spent about 2 hours in front of the mirror looking myself in the eyes, asking and totally honestly answering questions. I then went to my 'fiance' and had another two hour long chat. I barred all, totally came clean with my past (skeletons in the closet and all), my present and what I thought of the future. Told her to never try to change me, change comes from within when one is ready. A person will never change if being forced to, it comes from within. She still wanted to get married.

    Anyway, we're into our 15 year of marriage, two kids (boy & girl 12 & 10).

    I am a child of 2 divorces. My slant on marriage is this, 'Marriage is for LIFE!'. Marriage is not a McDonald's drive through. Marriage is not perfect, it takes work, from both sides. It takes give and take, it takes understanding, it takes compromise, it takes open and honest communication, and most important, you both need to LISTEN.

    Hobbies come and go....you can always get off and back on that ride. Motorcycles, cars, bikes, RC, fishing, stamp collecting, cooking, flying, etc....they will always be there, whether you are part of them or not.

    I've found that the money sorts itself out. I do what I need to do to meet my responsibilities.
    Thanks for the great advice tommygun,

    I've been on RC-U for years, worrying about servos, turbines.... etc, yet this is the first time that I've felt the need to reply to a post!
    Obviously there must be substance in what you are saying.

    Mike
    I know what you mean; I have found that TG32 kind of hits you that way.
    "The American taxpayer has always been politicaly deceived. It's their Birthright!"
    Lord Mountjoy, 'The Mouse on the Moon'

  22. #22

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?


    ORIGINAL: gaRCfield

    I have to make the decision due to that infamous ticking clock. I'm obviously somewhat on the fence: family life sounds nice, the love of my own child which I'm sure I can't fully understand, and fulfilling the sole desire of a great woman...

    But, I'm a late Bloomer. Mid 30's, less than 1 year in a career I thought is could only have dreamed of, engulfed in my hobbies (rc, close to full scale aviation, motorcycle, and others), and also 2 degrees worth of loans, and a single income household to boot

    My main concern is finances. I also am ready to live an easy and fun life on a decent salary, and I really appreciate my independence which I'm already sacrificing (but don't mind at this level) to be in this relationship. The timeline is 2 years before things need to happen, but need to know now to be fair to my partner.

    Thanks for listening and any thoughts you care to share

    I got the same thing from my wife a little over 2 years ago, I got married in 2008 but have been with my wife since I was 16, I'll be 36 this April. My biggest worry was about my finances and my freedom. I kept pushing off even the thought of kids, wanted no part, I just wanted to fly my planes , ride my motorcycle, 4 wheeler etc...I can also say that finances were the biggest excuse to my wife. Well this April will be my sons 2nd birthday and I can tell you that he is the best thing that could have ever happened in my life. I don't think anything could ever describe it until it happens to you. All those things that you worried about just seem to wash away, and don't seem to matter as much. You realize that he/she comes before anything, and all those things you worried about, become small potatoes..lol Our son actually brought my wife and I a lot closer, she brings him just about every time I fly and looks at my hobby as good family time..Nothing brings a smile to my face more as when we are walking out of the house through the basement past my planes and I get " Dada's Jets"..lol I guess what I'm saying is, it could be the best thing that happens to you. You can still do the things you want, it wouldn't be the end of the world, just the beginning..

  23. #23

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    I always knew I wanted kids really since I was a kid! Married the wrong woman and raised my four daughters by myself! But would not change any part of that part of my life. Now I have many wonderful grandkids and love every minute we spend together, I think deep down you know the answer that will be best for you! Soul search and good luck with your choice! But make sure because kids can not be returned back to where they started from!

  24. #24
    Jetdesign's Avatar
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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?

    Lol, "Dada's Jets!"

    That might have done it...
    Joe Marri
    Enjoying all things aviation.

  25. #25

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    RE: when/how did you know you wanted children or not?


    ORIGINAL: gaRCfield

    Lol, ''Dada's Jets!''

    That might have done it...

    lol..here he is, first jet meet.Made the contrails magazine..
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