Full Scale Humor
09-20-2004, 10:24 AM
#1
Full Scale Humor
I can't vouch for the origin of this but it did tickle me.
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly,
>the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant
>explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to
>get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
>
> Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
>
> The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the
>gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath
>the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also
>tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached
>him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for
>almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The
>blind man replied, "No thanks,! but maybe my dog would like to stretch
>his legs."
Picture this:
> All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
>when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing
>Eye dog!
>
> The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.They not
>only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
>
>
> Have a great day and remember... things aren't
>always as they appear.
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly,
>the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant
>explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to
>get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
>
> Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
>
> The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the
>gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath
>the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also
>tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached
>him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for
>almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The
>blind man replied, "No thanks,! but maybe my dog would like to stretch
>his legs."
Picture this:
> All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill
>when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing
>Eye dog!
>
> The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.They not
>only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
>
>
> Have a great day and remember... things aren't
>always as they appear.
10-03-2004, 06:38 PM
#4
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RE: Full Scale Humor
Ol' farm boy from NC gonna go to the Grand Ole' Opry. Goes to the Charlotte airport, gonna git hisself a ticket to fly thar, Ain't never been on a airplane before, so he's got questions . Asks the ticket agent, "How fer is it to Nashville from here?" She says "about 400 miles", He says, "Well whut time do the aereoplane leve here?" The agent replies "the flight leaves at 10:30 A.M. " He sez, "Whut time do it get to Nashville?", and the agent replies, "The flight arrives in Nashville at 10:32 A.M.". The ol'boy stands there, figerrin' for a few minutes, and then starts to walk away. The ticket agent says, "Sir, would you like a ticket?" The ol'farm boy takes a second or two, then says,"No Ma'am, but I shore would like to get me sumwhar so's I could watch that sum***** take off!"
For those of you slow on the uptake (mostly good ol' boys from N.C.) consider the time change.
For those of you slow on the uptake (mostly good ol' boys from N.C.) consider the time change.
10-08-2004, 12:47 AM
#6
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RE: Full Scale Humor
1.
A controller is called up the radio, asking for the runway and taxiway lights to be turned on. The controller radios back saying that the pilot cannot land due to weather. The pilot radios back saying he/she is already landed, and needs the lights to get to the hanger.
2.
A hotshot pilot is lining up on approach, during the night, when the controller calls him/her over the radio for ID. The pilot says says, "I'm two minutes from landing, guess who". The controller radios back, angrily asking for ID. "I'm a minute from landing, guess who". Suddenly the runway light disappear. The pilot radios the tower asking what happened to the lights. "Your 30 seconds from landing, guess where you S.O.B!"
3.
A hotshot F-16 pilot is playing escort to B-52 BUFF (Big Ugly Fat F**ker/Fella). He radios the B-52 saying that anything he can do, the Falcon can do better. The B-52 radios back saying "Oh yeah, try this". The B-52 continues on straight and level. After a while the Falcon pilot radios, "OK, what ya do". B-52 radioed back, "I engaged the autopilot, talked to the navigator, and had a pi$$, then shut down 2 engines"
4.
A Hornet pilot is stuck behind a B-52 in the landing schelude. The Hornet radios the tower, saying "I'm low on fuel and need to get down quick". The tower radios back, saying that the B-52 is down one engine, and has priorty. The Hornet pilot replied, "Ah, the dreaded seven engined approach".
5.
Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
Interviewer: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
General Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible isn't it?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Hope you enjoy!!
John Murray
A controller is called up the radio, asking for the runway and taxiway lights to be turned on. The controller radios back saying that the pilot cannot land due to weather. The pilot radios back saying he/she is already landed, and needs the lights to get to the hanger.
2.
A hotshot pilot is lining up on approach, during the night, when the controller calls him/her over the radio for ID. The pilot says says, "I'm two minutes from landing, guess who". The controller radios back, angrily asking for ID. "I'm a minute from landing, guess who". Suddenly the runway light disappear. The pilot radios the tower asking what happened to the lights. "Your 30 seconds from landing, guess where you S.O.B!"
3.
A hotshot F-16 pilot is playing escort to B-52 BUFF (Big Ugly Fat F**ker/Fella). He radios the B-52 saying that anything he can do, the Falcon can do better. The B-52 radios back saying "Oh yeah, try this". The B-52 continues on straight and level. After a while the Falcon pilot radios, "OK, what ya do". B-52 radioed back, "I engaged the autopilot, talked to the navigator, and had a pi$$, then shut down 2 engines"
4.
A Hornet pilot is stuck behind a B-52 in the landing schelude. The Hornet radios the tower, saying "I'm low on fuel and need to get down quick". The tower radios back, saying that the B-52 is down one engine, and has priorty. The Hornet pilot replied, "Ah, the dreaded seven engined approach".
5.
Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
Interviewer: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
General Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible isn't it?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Hope you enjoy!!
John Murray
10-08-2004, 08:41 AM
#7
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RE: Full Scale Humor
This is absolutely true, while not specifically a funny story, has a certain element of humor. Read it in Smithsonian Air and Space a couple years ago. The mental image stays with me:
Boeing was preparing to unveil its brand new jetliner, the 707, at the Paris airshow, and was facing stiff competition with one of its competitors (I forget who, probably McDonnell-Douglas) for future sales. They have a discussion with the pilot regarding demo-ing the plane in a manner that will encourage potential purchasers to select it over the competition.
Pilot leaves wherever he was, flies the a/c to Paris, and upon arriving over the crowds, proceeds to do a roll--yes, a full 360 degree roll, in a 707. The Boeing powers-that-be immediately want the pilot's head on a spit for his recklessness and potentially destructive flight behavior. After he lands, they pull him into a room and basically ask him if he'd lost his mind, etc, and what would have happened if his stunt had not worked. His reply was that he knew it would work because he had practiced it on the way to the show, and that when done properly exerted no more than 1g on the airframe. They were not impressed, they said , and were going to make sure he never flew again. A reporter, or some marketing agent, had seen and overheard most of this, and cornered one of the Boeing officials after their meeting with the pilot, and said,
"Don't be so hard on the guy--He just sold your plane for you."
Boeing was preparing to unveil its brand new jetliner, the 707, at the Paris airshow, and was facing stiff competition with one of its competitors (I forget who, probably McDonnell-Douglas) for future sales. They have a discussion with the pilot regarding demo-ing the plane in a manner that will encourage potential purchasers to select it over the competition.
Pilot leaves wherever he was, flies the a/c to Paris, and upon arriving over the crowds, proceeds to do a roll--yes, a full 360 degree roll, in a 707. The Boeing powers-that-be immediately want the pilot's head on a spit for his recklessness and potentially destructive flight behavior. After he lands, they pull him into a room and basically ask him if he'd lost his mind, etc, and what would have happened if his stunt had not worked. His reply was that he knew it would work because he had practiced it on the way to the show, and that when done properly exerted no more than 1g on the airframe. They were not impressed, they said , and were going to make sure he never flew again. A reporter, or some marketing agent, had seen and overheard most of this, and cornered one of the Boeing officials after their meeting with the pilot, and said,
"Don't be so hard on the guy--He just sold your plane for you."
10-08-2004, 09:29 AM
#8
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RE: Full Scale Humor
Sorry Mr. Khodges but that roll was done at the Seatle Airshow and not at the Paris Airshow. The have a full 1 hour piece about the 707 in which they cover this on the Wings channel. The even have an interview with the pilot. There is also two minute segment on the History Channel called "A Moment in History" in which they interview the pilots son.
The basics of the story is true but where ever you got this has been "embelished" a bit.
The basics of the story is true but where ever you got this has been "embelished" a bit.
Great story though.
10-08-2004, 06:56 PM
#10
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RE: Full Scale Humor
Thanks for the correction, rs, it had been a long time since I read the story. I remember the article was called "Stupid Plane Tricks" and it came out of Air and Space Smithsonian Magazine. Seattle makes more sense, anyway. I'd love to see that show on Wings chan., but it's not in our satellite tv package. yet. I've seen some big airplanes do some pretty awesome stuff, but the image of a 707 rolling, ....MAN!
I'm gonna dig up that issue, it's buried around here somewhere, probably under 2 tons of Model Aviation, RCModeler, and Model Airplane News.
I'm gonna dig up that issue, it's buried around here somewhere, probably under 2 tons of Model Aviation, RCModeler, and Model Airplane News.
10-09-2004, 07:16 PM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
ORIGINAL: khodges
Thanks for the correction, rs, it had been a long time since I read the story. I remember the article was called "Stupid Plane Tricks" and it came out of Air and Space Smithsonian Magazine. Seattle makes more sense, anyway. I'd love to see that show on Wings chan., but it's not in our satellite tv package. yet. I've seen some big airplanes do some pretty awesome stuff, but the image of a 707 rolling, ....MAN!
I'm gonna dig up that issue, it's buried around here somewhere, probably under 2 tons of Model Aviation, RCModeler, and Model Airplane News.
Thanks for the correction, rs, it had been a long time since I read the story. I remember the article was called "Stupid Plane Tricks" and it came out of Air and Space Smithsonian Magazine. Seattle makes more sense, anyway. I'd love to see that show on Wings chan., but it's not in our satellite tv package. yet. I've seen some big airplanes do some pretty awesome stuff, but the image of a 707 rolling, ....MAN!
I'm gonna dig up that issue, it's buried around here somewhere, probably under 2 tons of Model Aviation, RCModeler, and Model Airplane News.
If you have Dish Network its on channel 195. Have that channel programmed on my prefered channel list. You might go online to their website and email them they might be able to let you know the next time it comes up on one of the Discovery Channels (Wings or History).
10-09-2004, 10:26 PM
#15
RE: Full Scale Humor
The 2 Navy pilots overheard in Flight Ops on the Airforce Base that they had just landed at:
Pilot: "Man, that had to be one of the shortest runways I've ever landed on....."
RIO: "Yah, but it must have been at least two miles wide...."
Pilot: "Man, that had to be one of the shortest runways I've ever landed on....."
RIO: "Yah, but it must have been at least two miles wide...."
10-10-2004, 12:55 AM
#16
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RE: Full Scale Humor
There's some truth to that story, but it's not Navy. I was looking at the Helio Courier website, and there were some "there I wuz" stories from pilots who flew the Courier. One, who flew in Viet Nam, told of a time he was on approach at some field down South in the Mekong Delta area. Ther was a 90 degree crosswind and the windspeed was greater than his max. crosswind component on the Courier (17-18 kts.) I forget how long the runway was, but the pilot related that it was about 100 ft. wide, and he requested permission from the tower to land across the runway. He came in upwind at mid field and set the Courier down on the first 5 or 10 feet of the edge of the runway, and said he had to apply power to taxi to the centerline. Talk about short-field capability!
I've seen Couriers fly at airshows, and they are impressive. They will cruise at 145 kts, but can fly, fully controllable, as slow as 27 kts. Can take of and land in 100-200 feet at max gross weight.
I've seen Couriers fly at airshows, and they are impressive. They will cruise at 145 kts, but can fly, fully controllable, as slow as 27 kts. Can take of and land in 100-200 feet at max gross weight.
10-14-2004, 11:48 AM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
Here are some actual maintenance complaits submitted by US Air Force Pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
(P) = problem (S) = solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almoust replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Evidence or leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Friction locks cause throtle levers to stick.
(S) Thats what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine is missing.
(S) After brief search, #3 engine found on right wing.
(P) Somthing loose in cockpit.
(S) Somthing tightened in cockpit.
(P) Aircraft handles 'funny'.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, flyright and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogramed target radar with the words.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) DME volume set to a more believable level
(P) = problem (S) = solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almoust replaced left inside main tire.
(P) Evidence or leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) Dead bugs on windscreen.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Friction locks cause throtle levers to stick.
(S) Thats what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine is missing.
(S) After brief search, #3 engine found on right wing.
(P) Somthing loose in cockpit.
(S) Somthing tightened in cockpit.
(P) Aircraft handles 'funny'.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, flyright and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums.
(S) Reprogramed target radar with the words.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) DME volume set to a more believable level
10-14-2004, 04:15 PM
#18
RE: Full Scale Humor
An old story told in Navy flight training squadron ready rooms:
A student and his instructor were on a training flight and the student was having an unusually bad day. The instructor asked the student via the aircraft intercomm system (ICS) "What's wrong with you today?" Making his bad day worse, the student mistakenly keyed the radio transmitter instead of the ICS and responded "I don't know sir...I'm all f***ed up today." Hearing the inappropriate transmission, an air traffic controller called "Pilot who fouled this frequency, identify yourself." There was a brief pause, after which the instructor replied "The pilot said he was f***ed up, not stupid."
A student and his instructor were on a training flight and the student was having an unusually bad day. The instructor asked the student via the aircraft intercomm system (ICS) "What's wrong with you today?" Making his bad day worse, the student mistakenly keyed the radio transmitter instead of the ICS and responded "I don't know sir...I'm all f***ed up today." Hearing the inappropriate transmission, an air traffic controller called "Pilot who fouled this frequency, identify yourself." There was a brief pause, after which the instructor replied "The pilot said he was f***ed up, not stupid."
10-15-2004, 05:02 PM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
I don't know if this is a little risque for here, younger people having access. If anybody thinks so, PM me and I'll get rid of it.
Three most dangerous things in aviation?
1. A doctor in a Bonanza
2. Two Check Captains flying together
3. A Cabin Attendant with a chipped tooth!!
Three most dangerous things in aviation?
1. A doctor in a Bonanza
2. Two Check Captains flying together
3. A Cabin Attendant with a chipped tooth!!
10-17-2004, 12:54 PM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
It wasn't too funny while it was transpiring, but in the end it was a riot. I was stationed at NAS Oceana, with VF 43 in the late seventies. This admiral came to the base, so a Marine squadron sent in a pilot in a Harrier to do a little exhibition. The pilot was doing all these amazing manuevers, with the end being a display of the Harrier hovering and moving around and back and forth, when this BIG gust of wind the the plane broadside [X(] It rocked back and forth and came down and bounced around a bit and the pilot shut the engine down. When they helped the pilot out, his pants were SOAKED. We all thought it was pretty funny when it was all said and done. But hey, what the hell did we know? We were sailors.........
10-20-2004, 11:57 AM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
Tower: Please tell me your position and height.
pilot: Sitting in the pilots ´place in front of the controls, 6,5 feet height!!
___________________
Two gays went in a travel to Spain in their "honeymoon". During the night one of them, getvinjto the mood, and wanted to make love to the other. The other didn´t wanted because somebody could listen everything. The first one ask a loud in the cabin: "Somebody have cigarretes??". As nobody answered, they did it!!
At the next morning, during a scale in portugal the assistant find a old man with a sleepless and extremely pain face. She asked: Sir, may I help you??
Yes, he replyed, since last night I have a very very terrible teeth pain that didn´t let me sleep, or think in anything.
But sir, continued the assistant, why you didn´t ask us for some pain pills last night???
The guy answer: After I saw what happened to the guy who asked for a cigarrette....NO WAY!!!!
pilot: Sitting in the pilots ´place in front of the controls, 6,5 feet height!!
___________________
Two gays went in a travel to Spain in their "honeymoon". During the night one of them, getvinjto the mood, and wanted to make love to the other. The other didn´t wanted because somebody could listen everything. The first one ask a loud in the cabin: "Somebody have cigarretes??". As nobody answered, they did it!!
At the next morning, during a scale in portugal the assistant find a old man with a sleepless and extremely pain face. She asked: Sir, may I help you??
Yes, he replyed, since last night I have a very very terrible teeth pain that didn´t let me sleep, or think in anything.
But sir, continued the assistant, why you didn´t ask us for some pain pills last night???
The guy answer: After I saw what happened to the guy who asked for a cigarrette....NO WAY!!!!
10-20-2004, 01:03 PM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
ORIGINAL: tatolazo
Two ****s went in a travel to Spain in their "honeymoon". During the night one of them, getvinjto the mood, and wanted to make love to the other. The other didn´t wanted because somebody could listen everything. The first one ask a loud in the cabin: "Somebody have cigarretes??". As nobody answered, they did it!!
At the next morning, during a scale in portugal the assistant find a old man with a sleepless and extremely pain face. She asked: Sir, may I help you??
Yes, he replyed, since last night I have a very very terrible teeth pain that didn´t let me sleep, or think in anything.
But sir, continued the assistant, why you didn´t ask us for some pain pills last night???
The guy answer: After I saw what happened to the guy who asked for a cigarrette....NO WAY!!!!
Two ****s went in a travel to Spain in their "honeymoon". During the night one of them, getvinjto the mood, and wanted to make love to the other. The other didn´t wanted because somebody could listen everything. The first one ask a loud in the cabin: "Somebody have cigarretes??". As nobody answered, they did it!!
At the next morning, during a scale in portugal the assistant find a old man with a sleepless and extremely pain face. She asked: Sir, may I help you??
Yes, he replyed, since last night I have a very very terrible teeth pain that didn´t let me sleep, or think in anything.
But sir, continued the assistant, why you didn´t ask us for some pain pills last night???
The guy answer: After I saw what happened to the guy who asked for a cigarrette....NO WAY!!!!
10-20-2004, 01:49 PM
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RE: Full Scale Humor
Sorry, the systems sensored the word "g-a-y-s" at the begining. May it loose the sense because of it.
Explaining: "they DID IT": They had S*X", so the old guy tought the same could happen to him if he ask for some pills at night...
Explaining: "they DID IT": They had S*X", so the old guy tought the same could happen to him if he ask for some pills at night...