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  1. #1
    JimBrown's Avatar
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    Air Traffic Control

    STL approach: "United XXX best forward speed to the marker, you're number one."

    United XXX (male): "Roger, balls to the wall."

    STL approach: "American XXXX, you're number two behind a 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

    American XXXX (female): "Well I can't do 'balls to the wall' but I can go 'wide open'."

    A few seconds of silence...

    Unknown Pilot (male): "Is American hiring?"

    ...jim

  2. #2

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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    now thats funny, I don't care who you are....... Lord forgive me for laughing at this joke and bless the pygmies

  3. #3
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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    I Fly FREDex
    The C-5M Super Galaxy project

  4. #4

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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    These came to my by email last week:

    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"



    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"



    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"

    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"



    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:
    "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."



    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
    "What was your last known position?"
    Student:
    "When I was number one for takeoff."



    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San JoseTower Noted:
    "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    -
    My favorite.
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"



    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."



    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
    "What a cute little plane.. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
    "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."



    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground controland a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, …and I didn't land."

    -

    While taxiing at London 'S Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..
    An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
    "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
    "Wasn't I married to you once?"

  5. #5
    Moderator j.duncker's Avatar
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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    I liked this one

    Iranian Air Defence Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
    Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
    Air Defence Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
    Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
    Air Defence Radar: (no response ... total silence)
    True or not!
    The dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.

  6. #6

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    It's a hobby - keep it simple

    www.332ndredtail.com

  7. #7

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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    OK - those are just scary.

  8. #8

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    RE: Air Traffic Control


  9. #9

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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    Those jokes were hilarious!

  10. #10

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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    I used to really enjoy talking to the high altitude guys on mid-shifts.. Guys like SR-71 and U-2 pilots. The U-2 pilots were NUTS.. would go on with a normal conversation all the while flying in the 4 knot coffin corner for the airplane.

    One U-2 pilot one night had an engine failure at altitude about 80 miles northeast of Las Vegas. Just casually says "Center, Angel 22, we've had an engine failure." and nothing more. So I ask "Angel 22, Center, are you declaring an emergency?, to which he replies, "Nah.. I'll just glide back." at which point I look at the data strip and notice he's going to Edwards AFB, not Nellis.

    But my all time favorite story, was just after the F-117 started flying daytime ops, I was working a high-altitude sector handing aircraft to Nellis Approach, and called traffic for a lear flying into Los Angeles. The F-117 had a similar performance profile to the A-7 Corsair II, so the USAF put A-7 as the aircraft type on the flight plan as the F-117 wasn't declassified yet or announced that it even existed.

    Me - "Lear 117 Golf Victor, LA Center, Traffic 10 O'Clock, crossing left to right, FL 290, an A-7"

    Lear Pilot - "Uh.. Center, Lear 117 Golf Victor. I don't know what the hell that is, but it AIN'T no A-7. I flew A-7's for 8 years, and I never saw one that looked like THAT!"
    Doug Cronkhite

  11. #11
    invertmast's Avatar
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    RE: Air Traffic Control


    ORIGINAL: Doug Cronkhite

    I used to really enjoy talking to the high altitude guys on mid-shifts.. Guys like SR-71 and U-2 pilots. The U-2 pilots were NUTS.. would go on with a normal conversation all the while flying in the 4 knot coffin corner for the airplane.

    One U-2 pilot one night had an engine failure at altitude about 80 miles northeast of Las Vegas. Just casually says ''Center, Angel 22, we've had an engine failure.'' and nothing more. So I ask ''Angel 22, Center, are you declaring an emergency?, to which he replies, ''Nah.. I'll just glide back.'' at which point I look at the data strip and notice he's going to Edwards AFB, not Nellis.

    But my all time favorite story, was just after the F-117 started flying daytime ops, I was working a high-altitude sector handing aircraft to Nellis Approach, and called traffic for a lear flying into Los Angeles. The F-117 had a similar performance profile to the A-7 Corsair II, so the USAF put A-7 as the aircraft type on the flight plan as the F-117 wasn't declassified yet or announced that it even existed.

    Me - ''Lear 117 Golf Victor, LA Center, Traffic 10 O'Clock, crossing left to right, FL 290, an A-7''

    Lear Pilot - ''Uh.. Center, Lear 117 Golf Victor. I don't know what the hell that is, but it AIN'T no A-7. I flew A-7's for 8 years, and I never saw one that looked like THAT!''

    HAHAHAHAAA... thats awesome!
    Thomas W.
    Euro-sport Evo, Scratch built 1/7 F-14D Tomcat, 26.5% Gee Bee R2

  12. #12
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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    This happened to me while I was a student pilot at my hometown airport, TJPS. I was on a local solo Flight and only had like 15 hours PIC total.

    I hear this unkown callsign "Reach 007 20 out on Victor 31 to PSE at 5,000 decending to 2000". All the callsigns I knew where Cessna, Bravo, Skyhawk........and an Eagle Flight every now and then.

    So I went and asked the pilot, "Reach what kind of aircraft are you?" , to which they replied "USAF C-5".
    I was like shzzz what do I do?? I don't want to go face to face with this beast. I was wondering if he was going to do a LH Pattern, a VOR Approach, a visual straight in??

    So I ask one more time, "Reach 007 what is your position", to which they quickly replied "15 out inbound from the North, Cessna where are you located?"...........to which I answered "Outbound to the South".

    The C-5 pilot just started laughing on CTAF.

    Hey man what can I say, I was nervous.
    Buying Jet Legend? Read here: http://www.rcuniverse.com/forum/m_11372496/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm

  13. #13
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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    I really like this story, from an SR-71 Blackbird pilot:

    A Cessna pilot asked Los Angeles Center for a read-out of his ground speed. Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground." Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional tone that made one feel important.
    Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed in Beech. "I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed." Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.
    Then out of the blue, a navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios. "Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check." "Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground." And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done—in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.
    Then, I heard it—the click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke: "Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?" There was no hesitation, and the replay came as if was an everyday request.
    "Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground." I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice: "Ah, Center, much thanks, we're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."
    We finally heard a little crack in the armor of the Center voice, when L.A. came back with, "Roger that Aspen. Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one." A fine day's work. We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.
    Tor/Jets of Norway. \" Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars\"

  14. #14
    invertmast's Avatar
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    RE: Air Traffic Control


    ORIGINAL: icepilot

    I really like this story, from an SR-71 Blackbird pilot:

    A Cessna pilot asked Los Angeles Center for a read-out of his ground speed. Center replied: ''November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground.'' Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional tone that made one feel important.
    Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed in Beech. ''I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed.'' Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.
    Then out of the blue, a navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios. ''Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check.'' ''Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground.'' And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done—in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.
    Then, I heard it—the click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke: ''Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?'' There was no hesitation, and the replay came as if was an everyday request.
    ''Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground.'' I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice: ''Ah, Center, much thanks, we're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money.''
    We finally heard a little crack in the armor of the Center voice, when L.A. came back with, ''Roger that Aspen. Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one.'' A fine day's work. We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.


    1900 knots = 2 186.48095 miles per hour
    [X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(][X(]
    Thomas W.
    Euro-sport Evo, Scratch built 1/7 F-14D Tomcat, 26.5% Gee Bee R2

  15. #15
    Chasing Fear's Avatar
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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    German Aviation Terminology

    AIRCRAFT-Der Fliegenwagen

    JET TRANSPORT-Der Muchen Overgrössen Biggenmother Das ist fliegen Highenfaster mit all der Mach Und Flightenlevels. (Built by Boeing)

    PROPELLER-Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster

    ENGINE-Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airflöggenfan Pushenthruster

    JET ENGINE-Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker mit Compressorsqueezen und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors. (Made by Pratt & Whitney)

    CONTROL COLUMN-Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick

    RUDDER PEDALS-Der Tailschwingen Yawmakenwerks

    PILOT-Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwingen Werker

    PASSENGER-Der Dummkopf das est Strappened en der Baacken mit der other Dummkopfs das est Expecten to leave undgo on Scheduledtimen und Arriven mit der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen

    STUDENT PILOT-Der Dummkopf dass Learnen Fliegen und Hopen to Jobenfinden mit der Airlinens

    FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR-Der Timenbuilder mit less den 1000 Hrs Multienginefliegen. Teachen Dummkopfs to Fliegen vile Waitenwatchen für der Letter mit der Joböffering von United

    AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT-Das Grosse Overpaiden und Underwerken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck dat Fliegen mit das Big Airlinen

    PARACHUTE-Der Stringencotten das ist usen to Floaten der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker down to Earthen ven der Fliegenwagen ist Kaputen

    FAA-Der Friggenfliegen Dummkopf Schmucks das Maken Alder Rülens und Regulations

    HELICOPTER - Der Flingen Wingen Maschinen mit der Floppen Bladens dot ist Fliegen by der Dummkopfs vas ist too Stupiden für Knowen des Maschinens ist not Safen für Fliegen.
    Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true! -Homer Simpson

  16. #16

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    RE: Air Traffic Control

    This is probably apochryphal, but I like it.

    In the late 1970s we had a system called "Flow Control" regulating the entry of flights into the UK airspace from the continent - problem being that almost everything flying from Europe to North America had to cross the UK FIRs. At peak times flights were held at the FIR boundaries awaiting their flow control clearance. One day a Lufhansa flight was held, orbiting and the Captain was getting a bit impatient. He tried the same gag as above - " I haff been flying to England since 1941" -to which a laconic voice replied " Yes, and you were having problems with entry clearance then as I recall." Silence.

    And this one is true, because I was that Air Traffic Controller.

    1984/85 at a normally quiet RAF Station somewhere near Dover. We used to invite the USAFE to come down for a "Dover Cliffs Tour" where we would show them the White Cliffs and assorted historic monuments in return they would fly a few talk-down approaches for controller training and practice. Thanks to all SOFs at Lakenheath, Heyford, Bentwaters, Mildenhall, Alconbury and Woodbridge. One evening a KC-135E came down and went into the instrument pattern. He stayed for about an hour. Beneath finals for the duty runway was a housing development which had been built long after the military started operating from there in WW1.

    Eventually a householder got fed up with the noise of the KC-135E coming over his home every 10 minutes and he phoned ATC to complain [:@]. I was Supervisor and took the call. Householder was very angry [:@][:@] and would not be placated. Eventually..........

    Householder. " That f*****g plane is so low I can see the markings"

    Junior RAF Officer. " Really, what are the markings?"

    Householder: " Stars"

    Junior RAF Officer. " What colour are the stars?"

    Hoiuseholder. " They're white"

    Junior RAF Officer: "Thank goodness for that, the systems working, they're not Red ."

    Next morning I spent a few uncomfortable minutes standing in front of the boss's desk with my hat on giving him a severe listening to. [&o]

  17. #17
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    RE: Air Traffic Control


    ORIGINAL: icepilot

    I really like this story, from an SR-71 Blackbird pilot:

    A Cessna pilot asked Los Angeles Center for a read-out of his ground speed. Center replied: ''November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground.'' Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional tone that made one feel important.
    Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed in Beech. ''I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed.'' Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.
    Then out of the blue, a navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios. ''Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check.'' ''Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground.'' And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done—in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.
    Then, I heard it—the click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke: ''Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?'' There was no hesitation, and the replay came as if was an everyday request.
    ''Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground.'' I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice: ''Ah, Center, much thanks, we're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money.''
    We finally heard a little crack in the armor of the Center voice, when L.A. came back with, ''Roger that Aspen. Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one.'' A fine day's work. We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.
    Center ground speed read-outs top out at 999. Aspen did used to be the callsign for the SR-71's at Beale though....
    eeeexcelent...
    Bob Convery


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