The Horror of Blimps
Itake no credit for this story.
Just remembered reading it many years ago, and laughed my butt off. It sounds exactally like the luck Ihave, and how Iwould have handled the whole situation.
Last week while traveling I stopped ata Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's calledAirship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth onit, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloonwith helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio control indoor blimp.
I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and Iat home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and lastnight we put the blimp together.
Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.
We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.
Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty thatcame with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising norfalling.
It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.
My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house,terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were soeasy my daughter could fly.
Let's face it, blimps are fun.
Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left theblimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we wentto bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
At this pointit is important to know that my house has central heating. I have itconfigured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in atthe second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.
The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on acareer of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating,the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through theliving and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraith like over thestaircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleepingpeacefully.
Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air corrects it approached the bed.
In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.
I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping sensessuddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on convergingon you.
That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.
I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a largelevitating sinister presence hovering toward you with menacing intentthrough the malignant darkness.
Now sometimes I do wake upin the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister andmenacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil.Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was afalse alarm, and go back to sleep.
So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.
On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacingpresence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes,and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING MEOUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!
Somewhere in thecontrol room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit waspaging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up onthe table, watching the security monitors of my brain with hisperipheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACINGFLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch andhit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenalinewas dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from"restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode"in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minuteto about 240 even faster.
I always knew this was going tohappen. I always knew that skepticism and science were merepsychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains weall know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters andsinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of timeuntil they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do whenthe silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.
When50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you allat once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.
Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishableto the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress(not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in myunderwear.
I struck the approaching menace with all mystrength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that ahelium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with allthe strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.
It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.
Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurledit at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock andputting a nice hole in the wall.)
Somehow at this moment Isuddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. Itmight have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I washaving a legitimate heart-attack.
On quivering legs I wentto the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shakinguncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.
Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept throughthe incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack afterall I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehowsurvived the incident.
I took it to the walk in closet andreleased it inside where it floated around with the air currentsreleased from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing itin, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.
At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn'taware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and thatis was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.
The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and thesuction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimpthe appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight toward her.
This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I,as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hidean evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.
I can order replacement balloons on the Internet but I don't think I will.
Some blimps are better off dead.
War and Peace,