Heard A Good One Lately?
01-27-2013, 03:39 PM
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Heard A Good One Lately?
Post a good, CLEAN joke. (R-rated at worst.)
i like this one from Rodney:
So I go to my doctor and tell him, 'Doc, I think my wife's cheating on me.
He gave himself a shot ! '
i like this one from Rodney:
So I go to my doctor and tell him, 'Doc, I think my wife's cheating on me.
He gave himself a shot ! '
01-28-2013, 12:50 AM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
Don't know why this came to mind, an oldie, but its not bad...
The river running through a rural village burst its banks from rainfall, and the waters are rising on the townsfolk. As one family is leaving in a rowing boat, they notice the village chaplain on the roof of his house.
"Come down Father, we'll take you to safety!" cried the family. "Thank you my children, but there is no need, the lord will save me." replied the vicar.
2 hours later, the waters have reached the upper story of the house and a search and rescue boat is now in the area picking up villagers, they too see the vicar...
"Grab the rope Father, we'll take you to safety!" cried the rescue team. "Bless you my child, but I need not your assistance, the lord will save me!" replied the vicar once again.
It's almost night now and the water is now completely covering the roof of the house, the man is having trouble staying on his feet and above water, when he hears a helicopter in the distance. Sure enough, the helicopter approaches and booms through the PA "Grab the ladder Father, we'll carry you out of here!". Once again the vicar indicated his faith and his Lord would save him and despite pleas to the contrary from the heli crew, insisted on taking his chances.
Within an hour, the vicar was dead, his winged soul was approaching the Pearly Gates. Stood before God, the disappointed priest asked... "Lord, why did you forsake me? I have been a faithful follower, led a good and holy, selfless life."
God replied "What? You ungrateful twit, I sent you a rowing boat, a rescue boat and a helicopter, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?"
I guess that as well as being mildly funny, there is a moral to that story, and that is to accept help when we need it from any source which offers it. There is no 'wrong direction' for help to come from.
The river running through a rural village burst its banks from rainfall, and the waters are rising on the townsfolk. As one family is leaving in a rowing boat, they notice the village chaplain on the roof of his house.
"Come down Father, we'll take you to safety!" cried the family. "Thank you my children, but there is no need, the lord will save me." replied the vicar.
2 hours later, the waters have reached the upper story of the house and a search and rescue boat is now in the area picking up villagers, they too see the vicar...
"Grab the rope Father, we'll take you to safety!" cried the rescue team. "Bless you my child, but I need not your assistance, the lord will save me!" replied the vicar once again.
It's almost night now and the water is now completely covering the roof of the house, the man is having trouble staying on his feet and above water, when he hears a helicopter in the distance. Sure enough, the helicopter approaches and booms through the PA "Grab the ladder Father, we'll carry you out of here!". Once again the vicar indicated his faith and his Lord would save him and despite pleas to the contrary from the heli crew, insisted on taking his chances.
Within an hour, the vicar was dead, his winged soul was approaching the Pearly Gates. Stood before God, the disappointed priest asked... "Lord, why did you forsake me? I have been a faithful follower, led a good and holy, selfless life."
God replied "What? You ungrateful twit, I sent you a rowing boat, a rescue boat and a helicopter, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!?"
I guess that as well as being mildly funny, there is a moral to that story, and that is to accept help when we need it from any source which offers it. There is no 'wrong direction' for help to come from.
01-28-2013, 01:57 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
Huh, lemme think....
A man was driving his kid from school when there is a crash, and they are both fine. The doctor comes to check on the boy and says "Thats my kid!"
SPOILER ALERT!
His mom was the doctor.
SPOILER ALERT!
01-28-2013, 04:51 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
A long one...
Norte Dame's bell ringer died, and they ran an ad looking for his replacement. Weeks go by, and one evening the priest's doorbell rings. He opens the door to find a raggedy fellow with no arms. The chap is desperate for the job, so reluctantly the Father agrees to a trial. They go up to the open belfry and, on the hour, the raggedy man runs full-tilt at the bell, striking it with his head. The bell peals loud and full and the thankful priest hires him on the spot.
All goes well for a couple of months, but one fateful night the poor chap misjudges and misses the bell, flying past it out the open belfry and lands far below on the sidewalk. A small crowd gathers around his lifeless body. Officer Murphy comes up and asks, 'Does anyone know this poor fellow ?'
Someone in the crowd says, 'No, but his face rings a bell. '
***********************
Another ad runs, and some weeks later another armless man shows up and is given the job.
After several months, he also misjudges one night and falls to the sidewalk far below. As luck has it, Officer Murphy is on duty and arrives on the scene. Looking about, he asks, 'Does anyone know this poor fellow?'
And again a voice from the crowd responds,
'He's a dead ringer for the last guy. '
01-29-2013, 10:31 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
GW Senior went to Moscow on a friendly visit with his family.
Of course they were put up in the grandest hotel.
Next morning they all met in the restaurant for breakfast.
Looking through the menu, GW asks the waiter, "Hey son....what is this here Caveee-Arre stuff?"
The waiter replies, "Well Mr. President, it is a delicacy from the Black Sea, they are the fish eggs from sturgeon."
"Oh....fish eggs you say?" replied GW, "That sounds great....I'll have two sunny side up please!"
Of course they were put up in the grandest hotel.
Next morning they all met in the restaurant for breakfast.
Looking through the menu, GW asks the waiter, "Hey son....what is this here Caveee-Arre stuff?"
The waiter replies, "Well Mr. President, it is a delicacy from the Black Sea, they are the fish eggs from sturgeon."
"Oh....fish eggs you say?" replied GW, "That sounds great....I'll have two sunny side up please!"
01-29-2013, 10:40 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
GW had invited England's Queen Elizabeth to Martha's Vineyard for a weekend retreat.
So one morning he invites the Queen on a tour of the property in his golf buggy.
As he's driving around he says to her, "You know Liz....I've been thinking lately....I'm kind of getting tired of all this "Mr. President" stuff. I'm thinking of changing the title. What do you think about KING George?"
The Queen responds, "Well, Mr. President. If one were to be called King, one would need to have a Kingdom. And you sir do not."
"Hmmm...", thought GW. "OK!! How about PRINCE George then?"
Again the Queen responds, "Mr. President, if one were to be called PRINCE, one would need to have to be the ruler of a Princedom. And you sir are not."
"Ooohhhh....I know...." says GW. "How about Sheikh George....I like the ring of that!"
"Once again Mr. President...If one were to be called Sheikh, one would need to have a Sheikhdom. And you sir do not."
"Awwwwee maaann!" says GW. "Hey I got it....how about..."
The Queen at this point interrupts GW and says to him, "George....I think you should just leave it as is. You're doing fine with Country!"
So one morning he invites the Queen on a tour of the property in his golf buggy.
As he's driving around he says to her, "You know Liz....I've been thinking lately....I'm kind of getting tired of all this "Mr. President" stuff. I'm thinking of changing the title. What do you think about KING George?"
The Queen responds, "Well, Mr. President. If one were to be called King, one would need to have a Kingdom. And you sir do not."
"Hmmm...", thought GW. "OK!! How about PRINCE George then?"
Again the Queen responds, "Mr. President, if one were to be called PRINCE, one would need to have to be the ruler of a Princedom. And you sir are not."
"Ooohhhh....I know...." says GW. "How about Sheikh George....I like the ring of that!"
"Once again Mr. President...If one were to be called Sheikh, one would need to have a Sheikhdom. And you sir do not."
"Awwwwee maaann!" says GW. "Hey I got it....how about..."
The Queen at this point interrupts GW and says to him, "George....I think you should just leave it as is. You're doing fine with Country!"
01-29-2013, 10:48 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
Girl is standing at the check out counter of her local store.
As she empties her trolley out, she puts down 1 tooth brush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 banana, 1 loaf of bread, 1 can of soup, 1 pepper, 1 head of lettuce, 1 tomato, 1 steak, 1 bottle of wine and 1 chocolate bar.
Just as she reaches the teller, a cute looking guy behind her says, "Hmmmm....you must be single."
"Oh my God....how did you know that?" she blushes...."Ohhhh....it's because I'm buying 1 thing of everything...right?"
The guy looks her deep in her eyes and says, "No it's not that.....it's because you're absolutely mingin'!!"
For the non-British peeps....
(Mingin' = Totally Ugly)
As she empties her trolley out, she puts down 1 tooth brush, 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 banana, 1 loaf of bread, 1 can of soup, 1 pepper, 1 head of lettuce, 1 tomato, 1 steak, 1 bottle of wine and 1 chocolate bar.
Just as she reaches the teller, a cute looking guy behind her says, "Hmmmm....you must be single."
"Oh my God....how did you know that?" she blushes...."Ohhhh....it's because I'm buying 1 thing of everything...right?"
The guy looks her deep in her eyes and says, "No it's not that.....it's because you're absolutely mingin'!!"
For the non-British peeps....
(Mingin' = Totally Ugly)
01-30-2013, 01:22 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
A group of 22 people are invited to a fancyrestaurant in the USby a foreignman. When the man goes in the day before the diningto make reservations, he tells the lady at the front of the house that he needs enough chairs for 2.....2. (He says the numbers far apart as he is having trouble learning English) The lady gives him a strange look, and says that she heard him the first time. The group of people show up the next day to find only 2 seats reserved. The man asks the lady at the front of the house, "Why is there only two chairs?". The lady replys, "That's what you reserved, sir.". So the man crashes in on another party, tells everyone that there was a fire spreading throughout the building. All the people freak out, and begin funneling out the doors. Then the man and his 22 guests, take seats, and eat the free food. Afterwords, the guests and the man leave. On his way out, the lady at the front desk gives him the bill. He ended up getting charged for the party that he crashed into. The occasion of the party was a wedding, and the man is charged $15,000 for all the food. Then he can't pay, and ends up in prison. He is then falslymatched up asof a multi person murderer, andis sentenced to death.
Conclusion: If you are foreign, do not invite 22 people to a USfancyrestaurant as you will die.
Conclusion: If you are foreign, do not invite 22 people to a USfancyrestaurant as you will die.
01-30-2013, 01:33 PM
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RE: Heard A Good One Lately?
Got another one that's simular.
Lost Your Pen = No Pen
No Pen = No Notes
No Notes = No Study
No Study = Fail
Fail = No Diploma
No Diploma = No Work
No Work = No Money
No Money = No Food
No Food = Skinny
Skinny = Ugly
Ugly = No Love
No Love = No Marriage
No Marriage = No Children
No Children = Alone
Alone = Depression
Depression = Sickness
Sickness = Death
Lesson: Don't lose your pen, you will die!
Lost Your Pen = No Pen
No Pen = No Notes
No Notes = No Study
No Study = Fail
Fail = No Diploma
No Diploma = No Work
No Work = No Money
No Money = No Food
No Food = Skinny
Skinny = Ugly
Ugly = No Love
No Love = No Marriage
No Marriage = No Children
No Children = Alone
Alone = Depression
Depression = Sickness
Sickness = Death
Lesson: Don't lose your pen, you will die!
