MadDogRC

hey all,
i am about to enter this poem/story into a competition and i want some feedback on it.

i want you guys out there to read it, and maybe show it to your wives or girlfriends (if you got them).

please leave constructive feedback after you read it,
thanks.

the kiss good bye - a dream of reality

PS. i'm only 16, lol




the pitch black darkness captured all,
but could not capture the moon,
which shone brightly down,
leaving a streak of crystal light across the entire ocean.
we slowly strolled side by side,
walking to the end of the mystique,
and decaying jetty.
the air was warm,
and the smell of cooked sea food from restaurants filled the air,
leaving a salty taste in my mouth.
i paused for a second,
and moved to the rusting rough railing.
she looked at me and followed.
gracefully and beautifully,
she strode across the wooden planks,
each plank creaking from her light weight.
as she stood beside me the wind blew harder towards our faces.
her hair blew back revealing her sparkling eyes,
her delicate soft skin,
her stunning complexion,
her shining white teeth,
her hanging diamond earrings,
and the silver and gold pendant around her neck.
inside that pendant,
contained the image of the two of us,
of the day we got married,
and had our first ever kiss.
the day was amazing,
and would never be forgotten.

the wind also became a burden upon her,
lifting the bottom of her dress up,
exposing her slender thighs.
she had let out a small giggle,
with a grin.
i smiled back and grinned showing her i thought it was funny too.
the wind died down,
her smooth hair falling back down,
covering her ears,
and reaching down her back.
she swiftly pushed the strand of hair away from her face.
she was wearing a dark red nail polish,
which glistened against the moons light,
creating a stunning glowing effect.

i sighed quietly.
she looked up at me,
and had a look on her face that screamed out,
'whats wrong?'.
i turned to her and told her.
i had to leave tomorrow,
for a trip to Geraldton mine,
known as the pits of hell.
i had to see a family friend involved with business.
i didn't want her to know as i didn't want her to be upset,
and thats also why i took her to dinner tonight,
for the finest food so she would enjoy and remember me by tonight.
she began to cry,
her tears slowly puddling in the corners of her eyes,
til the tears started sliding down her face.
her makeup began to smudge and leak from her face,
making the tears all the more visible.
i said it would only be for three months,
but she continued to cry more,
and more.
she stepped towards me,
and wrapped her arms tightly around me,
telling me not to go.

i had to go,
i was part of a crisis team in the company,
and a crisis was sought to happen.
no matter what i said,
she kept crying,
as the love she had for me was so strong,
me being apart from her was painful.
i love her so much,
and so me being apart from her also made me have grief.

i hugged her as tight as i could,
to show my love for her,
and to show how much i would miss her,
as she was always by my side.

i looked into her eyes,
she looked into mine.
her eyes shone ever so bright,
illuminated by the moon.
we moved closer to each other,
closer and closer.
our lips met each other,
and we embraced each other as tight as we could,
and we both were kissing,
showing our love for each other,
and affection for each other.

her lips were ever so soft,
if anything they felt like soft warm pillows,
and felt so amazing against mine.
we kissed and kissed,
and a lifetime seemed to pass by,
yet it was only a short time in reality.
our lips parted,
and we looked at each other smiling.
again we embraced each other in a hug,
and i kissed her cheek and forehead,
making her smile.

sadly,
after this romantic and final kiss,
i held her hand,
and told her i had to leave.
she began to cry again,
her tears again messing up her makeup.

i walked away slowly,
not turning back,
as she stood their on the jetty,
crying her heart out for me to come back.
i couldn't bare to see the sight,
and it ripped my heart open,
and cut it into pieces,
as leaving her there was so painful to do,
and not seeing her for three months would leave me insane.

i continued to walk,
and the crying began to disappear from my hearing.
i lowered my head,
and squinted,
to find a tear from my eye.
i left my love,
my only one true love of my life,
and will miss her so badly.

i was still sad,
and i am still sad,
as after the three months passed,
she passed in a road crash.
there was no trace left of her,
my heart wept,
it wanted to die to be with her.
i didn't cry though,
i couldn't.
i just took a cup of water,
placed 10 sleeping pills in my mouth,
swallowed them,
and washed it down with water.
i went to my bed,
sat down,
and tried to sleep.

i never woke up,
and i was glad that i didn't,
as i am now here,
with the love of my life,
and will forever always be with her.
this is not a dream,
this is true love,
true love where death was needed to be in love.

Anomie

So sad, yet beautiful. As a budding romantic writer myself, I can understand your desire to share. You can only look at it for so long, and then let it leave your mind and be looked upon by others. For me, this can be both exciting and frightening at the same time. It's tough to share something that becomes so personal.

Thanks for posting it here, and I hope the competition goes well for you.

MadDogRC

thank you.

the ending has such a dramatic effect that the last 3 girls to read it burst into tears, lol.

funny considering i failed english at skool at my exams, lol

DaveG55

Caution constructive critism below.







Overall not a bad start. I liked the first two stanzas a lot. After that you began to lose me. Stanzas three through eight could be very good with some rewriting. I think that there is a story there could be told "better". The final two stanzas, while I'm sure young girls will go for the sentimentality, seem contrived and very predictable to me. I knew the ending as soon as I read the third line of the next to last stanza. IMHO, if you're going to use the Romeo/Juliette ending then you should try to come at it from a new, less predictable direction.
Critically speaking I think the poem also has some contridictary elements. For example, "you" don't love the girl enough to try everything to keep her - you let work drag you away - yet you kill yourself once she dies... To me that make no sense to the poem. Maybe if the middle stanzas were refined it would fit better, maybe not, idk.

Anyway, those are just some of my thoughts.
Good luck with the compitition

MadDogRC

good hearing some feedback, thanks.

as my first poem i didnt think it would be great and all and technically speaking, it isnt all that great. yet alot of people who love it, which arent like into poetry n all, love it and say its amazing.

anyhows, back to the drawing board, lol

plus i needa call my LHS for tnx 5.2 and cyclone d4 parts as i broke them both from a bash, lol

thanks

quadzilla122

That was aweome i loved the ending[sm=thumbs_up.gif][sm=thumbs_up.gif][sm=thumbs_up.gif][sm=thumbs_up.gif][sm=thumbs_up.gif]

Spdsk8er

My Feedback: (3)

emo!

Wide Open

Or not...

Anyway, I thought the story was very good... BUT, I felt it needed a little more flow in places. Some parts seemed a little "jerky" if thats the right word for it. I can see where this is vague, as I too had trouble trying to think of words to make it flow better. However, it's definitely a good story.

hands without shadows

I thought that didn't make a whole lot of sense either. If I had the skill to write something like this I might have made it something you can't really get out of, like a tour of war or a prison sentence. I don't know a lot about poetry or writing in general (I try to avoid it), but I certainly didn't feel I wasted my time reading the whole thing. I might have even enjoyed it.......


I'm not saying going on tour is like going to prison.

drag racer

mind if i use this for an english project im doing, i need a good example of a free verse poem, and this i sthe best i can find. youll get credit as the author of course

ssj2

It's called expression of self dude, don't jump to such conclusions just based on what a kid writes to attempt to win a competition. [:-]

MadDogRC

emo? lol, only an emo would recognise how an emo writes

The_Lost_Otter

emo? dude get over your self. it was a good poem.

i gota good one, but i get in trouble for sayin it

DaveThePainter

Ya i got some good one's but get kicked off for saying on here,[:@].