AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)

+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens

+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe

+35
~ Italian cars don't start

+32
~ Distilled water freezes

+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream

+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming

+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going

0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat

-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii

-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate

-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles

-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training

-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof

-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button

-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters

-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI

-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer

-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps

-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes

-445
~ Superconductivity

-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid

-454
~ Hell freezes over

-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"