HONORABLE MENTIONS

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a
lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26,
just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life?

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think
about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A TRUCK!!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of
water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.