Subject: Airline Conversations
>
>
> >
> The following are accounts of actual exchanges
> between airline pilots and control towers around the
> world.
>
> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock,
> 6 miles!"
> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
> watches!"
>
> "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
> Degrees."
> "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can
> we make up here?"
>
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very
> long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft
> transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored,
> not f...ing stupid!"
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329
> heavy, your traffic is a
> Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
> United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say
> this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
>
>
> A student became lost during a solo
> cross-country flight. While attempting to locate
> the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
> "What was your last known position?"
> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
>
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an
> exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard
> right turn at the end of the runway, if you are
> able.
> If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
> Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
> to the
> airport."
>
> There's a story about the military pilot calling
> for a priority landing because his single-engine jet
> fighter
> was running "a bit peaked."
> Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he
> was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine
> shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
> dreaded seven-engine approach."
>
>
> Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,
> turned around And returned to the gate. After an
> hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned
> passenger asked the flight attendant, "What,
> exactly, was the problem?"
> "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in
> the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It
> took us a
> while to find a new pilot."
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start
> clearance in Munich overheard the following:
> Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
> clearance time?"
> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you
> must speak in English."
>
> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
> German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
> English?"
> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
> British accent):
> "Because you lost the bloody war."
>
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
> contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
> Eastern 702 "Tower, Eastern 702 switching
> toDeparture. By the way,after we lifted off we saw
> some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff
> behind Eastern 702,contact Departure on frequency
> 124.7. Did youcopy that report from
> Eastern 702?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
> takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've
> already notified our caterers."
>
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by
> the tower to hold short of the active runway while a
> DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
> around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
> quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the
> radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
> make it all by yourself?"
>
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go
> by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
> DC-8 parts.Another landing like yours and I'll have
> enough parts for another one."
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport
> are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only
> expect one to know one's gate parking location, but
> how to get there without any assistance from them.
> So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
> listened to the following exchange between
> Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
> call sign Speedbird 206.
> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
> active runway."
> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
> One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway
> and slowed to a stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are
> going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up
> our gate location now."
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
> "Speedbird 206, have you
> Not been to Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it
> was dark, and I didn't land."
>
> While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the
> crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
> made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
> United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
> out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
> where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
> right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on
> Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
> you to tell the
> difference between C and D, but get it right!"
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she
> was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
> screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
> this out! You stay right there and
> don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
> progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour
> and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when
> I tell you, and how I tell you!
> You got that, US Air 2771?"
> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> Naturally, the ground control communications
> frequency fell terribly
> silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
> Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground
> controller in her current state of mind.
> Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
> definitely running high.
> Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
> keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to
> you once?"
>

Center: Have you ever heard how much noise a 747 makes when it hits a 767?
Twa: Turning right 45 degrees for noise abatement, TWA 2341


I've heard lots of these b4 but they're still funny.
ATCme