outdoorhunting

OK, guys & gals, how about I resemble that ! Old enough to know the Dead Sea when it was sick ! Ya, know that kind of stuff. Show us your best stuff !!!

Ram Jet

Here's some stuff mostly from my dad, some from my mom:

Shoot fire and save matches
I'll show you a trick with a hole in it
If I never se (him/her) again it will be too soon
Like s____ through a goose
Your mouth runs like a Whipperwil's a___h____ in spring time
It's cold enough to freeze the balls of a brass monkey. (This is misunderstood. On old British warships cannon balls were stored in a brass basket like device (brass monkey) on the mast)
Cheaper that a third squirt of cat p___
Tighter tha Billy-be-damed
He beat the bejesus out of it
Oklahoma socket set (an adjustable open end (Crescent) wrench
Brains of a knat
He doesn'r know s___ from Shinola
Ran like a bat out of hell
Runs like the hammers of hell
Wound-up tighter than a two bit watch
Hotter than a two bit pistol
Scarce as hen's teeth
If it was any closer it woulda bit ya
Drunker than a monkey
If (he/she) was goin' any slower (he/she) would be going backwards
My dad's definition of tact "He could tell you to go to hell and have looking forward to the trip"
He's so cheap he wouldn't give his s___ to the crows
dumber than a fence post
I wouldn't give him the sweat off my a__
Colder than a well digger's fanny

There are a few more of an ethnic orientation so I can't post them here, and I don't care to repeat them either. Prety funny though.

Bill

outdoorhunting

Those are good !! How about "dumber than a fistfull of riverrock" Keepem coming guys !! We all need a good laugh !!

Ram Jet

Sure as s___ on your shirt tails.

Bill

knighttwister

My Feedback: (59)

haven't seen it since the last time.
don't put you lips on it!
if brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose
scarcer than hen's teeth
dumber than a doorknob
she talks like a drunken sailor
she sure is purdey when she's quiet!

xtruckerjim

If god wanted us to fly, we would have wings!
Tuck your head between your legs and kiss your a___ good bye!
Up s___ creek without a paddle.
Half past a monkey's a__, a quarter to his balls.
(or according)

After coming out of the restroom, "Oh yeah, I feel about 10 lbs lighter now!"
Tighter than a gnat's a__.
he couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag.

schlags62

On the same note as gnat's a_ _, "Tighter than a gnat's a_ _ stretched across a 55 gallon barrel!"

"Dumber than a post hole"
"Lite in the loafers like a bucket of hair"
"Thats pretty slick.......like bull butter"

Zeffle

Rare as rockinghorse S***

Ram Jet

Well, come to think of it, I never did have to clean up after my rocking horse. Rare indeed, and scarce as hen's teeth.

Bill

vicman

My Feedback: (10)

If brains were gasoline you wouldn't have enough to run a piss and motorcyle half way round a BB.

Or, If you're gonna be stupid ya gotta be tough.

Ram Jet

If your brains were dymamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

Bill

reincarnate

He's so stupid, he couldn't pour water out of his boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.

She's so cheap, she wouldn't pay a nickel to see Christ walk on water.

Ram Jet

Damn Re, I taught you everything I know and ya still don't know nothin'.

Bill

victorzamora

I'm from the South, so I hear these IN USE more often than I'd like. I'm sure there are more, though.

More skittish than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Colder than a witch's *** in a brass bra
So scared you couldn't pull greased floss out of his ass
Crazy as a bessy-bug.
Out quicker than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest
As useful as a trap door on a canoe
Happy as a tick on a fat dog
Finer than frog hair split four ways
He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow.
Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining!
Don’t you piss on my leg and tell me it’s rainin’!
Faster than green grass through a goose.
He was as mad as a mule chewing on bumblebees!
He’s so useless if he had a third hand he would need another pocket to put it in
That boy’s more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
Why don’t you just take a long walk off a short pier
You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.
He’d gripe with a ham under each arm.
Prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of pancakes
If brains were leather, he wouldn’t have enough to saddle a junebug
That boy’s two bricks shy of a full load
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He doesn’t have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out.
It’s so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.

victorzamora

For buck-teeth: He could shuck corn thru a picket fence
Ugly Girl: 1) She could make a train take a dirt road (2) She's got ten-foot pole marks all over her.
If something doesn't work: That dog don't hunt
If it's none of your concern: He ain't got no dog (or cock) in 'at fight

Ram Jet

Great stuff! I printed this because I think Lightfoot is going to burn you like he did me.

Bill

outdoorhunting

He's so cheap, he wouldn't give a dime to see a pissant eat a bail of hay.

victorzamora

Hahaha...thanks Ram Jet. I just got an e-mail saying that my post was deleted . Guess by who?? Really good call, man!

Ram Jet

I'll fax you a copy if you like.

Bill

outdoorhunting

Just thought of another. After watching "Old Yeller" (an old tear jerker movie for you younger guys) It brought a tear to this old glass eye !!

Arceenut

As purty as a puppy under a new wagon.

VeeAte

As much chance as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Dumber than a box of hammers.
Ugly as a hat full of *ssho*es.


All I could think of off the top of my head. Anyway better go make some lunch.
I am so hungry I could eat the leg off a low flying duck.

bassfisher

My Feedback: (21)

Finer than frog hair

jhess

My Feedback: (28)

Old guys that were in the military I Ask them. What was your basic issue ? A loin cloth and a club!

scratchbildr

That's slicker than owl s...t on a wet tree branch!
That's the first time that's ever happened again.